For the first time-ever (okay that I can remember) , I was intentionally mean to someone for absolutely no reason.
And it's eating me alive.
I guess perhaps it's the old "Golden Rule" that is driven into brain, or my "tender loving heart" as my mom says. Either way, I feel horrible about it and it. feels. awful. The problem is that I keep trying to have thicker skin. "Have thicker skin, Jessica" they always say (who the hell are they anyway might I add), and the moment I try to be brave and strong minded, it reveals itself as a bitch.
So much for keeping bridges intact, I suppose.
To spare you the details, I was handling some phone business for my mom and after getting the run around for almost an hour, I finally was able to speak with the person handling her accounts. Weighed down with the burdens of my mother's stresses I snapped. On this poor, helpless lady. I went straight up rude.
My intention was not to be mean from the get go (or maybe it was, who knows with these pregnancy hormones these days) but to gain more information on the matter, and instead of asking nicely I turned into an accusatory butt head. You know, the whole, you can take the girl out of the redneck, but you can't take the redneck out of the girl, kinda business. It was like in Sweet Home Alabama when Reese Witherspoon goes back to the honky tonk and embarrasses and outs her friends. The "poker cue" up the hiney syndrome, if you will.
The difference between me and Reese , (what in the heck is her name in that movie, is it Melanie?)is that I am like my father Larry. Now Larry was far from perfect, but he never let anyone go to bed angry or sad. Larry was adamant about never burning bridges and always remembering others' feelings before your own. Larry instilled in me that the way that others feel, should matter more than our own selfishness. That Larry was one smart and very loved cookie, not just by me, but by all who knew him. And could you blame them? He was truly a gem.
I'm sure that deep (or rather shallow) in my subconscious, I feel so badly because I feel like I let him down. For one static moment on the phone I became someone that I'm not, and someone that I don't want to be.
So pooh on you "thicker skin". I like my thin skin just fine.
*and a sincere apology to the lady on the phone, my dad in heaven, and everyone who came into contact with me on this glum faced day. Tomorrow will be better, I'm sure of it. *