12.09.2013

Identity Crisis.



When I was a kid, I would lock myself in my room, roll up a t-shirt to look like a tube top, and I'd put on lipstick that I wasn't allowed to wear. I would turn on Mandy Moore "Candy" and lip sync and dance for hours on end, only stopping to  do a quick interview with Carson Daly and TRL. 

Let's just say that I had a wild imagination. 

And I spent the majority of my time alone, but that was how I liked it. I felt like when I was alone I could be myself, even if myself at that age was a wannabe Britney Spears/Christina Aguilera/Mandy Moore hybrid. Hours would pass and I would be lost in my imagination, away from the mundane realities of spelling tests and book fairs.

I just loved dancing to my own beat, without a care in the world. 

But now that I'm an adult, and I rarely have time to go to the bathroom alone, let alone be alone, the time to get lost in my thoughts is minimal, and as a habitual dreamer, at first it was a really hard adjustment period. I mean, within 4 years I've gone from being just plain Jess, to a Wife,  and then to Theo and Elliot's Mom. My identity as Jess Elaine is quickly getting dog piled  and covered. 

I know that this is all a part of growing up. When you have children, your life becomes second fiddle to their hopes and dreams, and you become an extension of them. It's a natural progression and don't get me wrong, I love nothing more than being Theo and Elliot's mom, but part of what makes you who you are, is who you've been, and sometimes it's really hard to remember who that girl was so long ago. 

So I composed a  list of who I am as a person, and the things that I love, not necessarily having to do with my husband or kiddos.  

1. I will and always love music. Especially old cheese-y love songs. Anything by Aaron Neville makes my heart soar. True story nothing can turn a bad day around like listening to Ambrosia. NOTHING. 

2. For a long time I struggled with the fact that I love anything fashion or beauty oriented. It was a horrible pull between feeling like a materialistic brat and just enjoying fashion. Now that I'm older, I've embraced my love for trends and style and I own it. You are who you are right?

3. I love to laugh and I have the most un-lady like sense of humor ever. Sorry I'm not sorry. 

4. I just figured out how to deal with my eyebrows properly (within the last 4 years) so pardon me if I mention them a ton, it's been a struggle getting comfortable with these transparent beasts. It's been an uphill climb, my completed marathon, of sorts. 

5. I am extremely sensitive. I mean, I rarely cry unless I'm pregnant (and nuts), but it bothers me when others are upset or angry with me. It literally makes my stomach hurt. I'm actively working on having thick skin. 

6. I am not a narcissist.This one may be hard to believe since I write a blog all about myself, but I truly do write this as life therapy and to try to connect and meet people going through the same struggles. Also I'm highly aware that I'm not the best or most perfect writer. I'll own it. Grammar and I tend to spar on a daily basis.  It takes a village to raise a child, but I believe that it takes all of cyberspace to keep my sanity. And spell check. 

7. I talk too much. No matter if I know you or not, I will probably have a conversation with you. I love meeting new people and hearing their stories. Human connection really makes me tick. I just pray that I don't meet the wrong person and end up the subject of a Lifetime movie, but it's a risk you take as a social butterfly. 

8. I dance. A lot. I've spent the last 25 years of my life training in and teaching dance. It's not unusual to see me grande jete-ing down my hallway. Also dance parties happen frequently in my home. 

9. I love making things. Sewing, knitting,  woodwork, crafts, I may not be good a making things perfectly, but I love the sense of accomplishment when I finish. You know, the whole "top of the mountain" stuff. 

10. I hate animal movies. They are always heartbreaking. Free Willy and Homeward Bound ruined my life.  



So there you have it. A few things about myself that I even had to stop and think about. Isn't it funny that finding ten things about myself (and not my kids or husband) was a struggle?

Damn, I must be getting old. 

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