10.15.2013

A post in which I Caroline Manzo my face.

It's no surprise that I spend more than enough time on the ole' Bravo bandwagon watching way too many Real Housewives episodes and consuming more pretzels than a human body ever should. But hey, everybody has a thing right?

I used to be so productive, crafty even. Now the most I get done is laundry, laundry, and more laundry, so yes, the fabulous life of a "housewife" seems pretty exciting. And Oh so glam.

My favorite housewives are the New Jersey ones, basically because they have rad accents, over the top spray tans, and an obsession with animal prints, which subconsciously I think I identify with. Not to mention they are all former cosmetologists like myself just trying to stay on top of the best in beauty. Unlike, most of their counterparts plastic surgery rubber lips haven't really hit yet, so believe it or not, I am able to take them somewhat seriously.

Anywho, I have these wild dreams of finding the perfect skincare regimen, but doing the weirdest things to my face with the weirdest ingredients. It's actually shocking that I haven't accidentally stumbled on something brilliant. In my dreams however, these skincare regimens are deliciously cheap and easy to create. I don't know why I still believe this, perhaps it's because it's been a year since I've seen the inside of a Sephora?

And like every other facial dreamer who cannot afford amazing facials, the best creams or even moisturizers that work, I'm willing to try anything.

Like an idiot.

So somewhere I read (see how bad this idea was from the get-go, I can't even remember where I heard this) that Caroline Manzo shaves her face and neck. One for the obvious reasons of hair removal, but two to exfoliate and keep her skin looking young and fresh. My immediate natural reaction was to grab a razor, because it's freaking Caroline Manzo and her daughter owns that rad spa, so of course, it must work. I mean, right?

And I did it.

I remember when I started shaving my legs, the very first thing my mom told me was to never shave anything else. Especially not my face. Now I know why.

Holy ingrown hairs!  I look like a Proactiv commercial. Oh and the neck? That is the worst. Giant boils of doom are sprouting everywhere like leprosy. Hey but under that somewhere I bet my skin looks great huh?

Wrong.

I forgot in all of my excitement, how badly I am to sticking at anything. I rarely shave my legs (gross but honest) and you may even find me wearing leggings socks and boots on an 80 degree day, simply to cover those top of the foot hairs that I seem to miss in the rare event that I do shave. Why the heck would I stick to shaving my face? I have blonde hairs for crying out loud and in the growing out process I have learned that they are "thick as thieves" when they grow back in. Besides all of this, what was I thinking? RAZORS COST A FORTUNE. And although I may rusty shave my legs, the prime real estate on my face and oh-so- sensitive neck would rash up like a 13 year old boy with bad hygiene if I came within 50 miles of that thing.

So no. Caroline Manzo, this was not a good choice for me. But hey girl, you look great.

And as for me, I'll stick to channeling my inner Jersey, by drinking red wine, eating tons of pasta and throwing ham around my kitchen. And who knows?  maybe I'll sip a little BLK if it ever makes it out this way. Until then, I'll be one bottle of Neutrogena away from re-discovering any form of  self confidence.

Polka dotted necks are so in this season, am I right?


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