I had every intention of posting something completely different today. My post would have probably been something silly, mildly inappropriate and light hearted.
But I can't.
Because today is different than I thought it would be.
Today my heart is as heavy as a 100 pound weight.
I wrote a post after the Newtown incidents about my fears, and worries. My feelings haven't changed. I know we are supposed to go on, and live our lives as though we aren't terrified to see a movie, go to school or watch a marathon, but how? How are we supposed to encourage our children to follow their dreams and to live without regret when all I really want to do is lock our doors and never leave our house because of the evil that exists in the outside world? How do we come back from this? Is this real life?
Until yesterday, the Boston Marathon was a place where thousands of people's dreams came true. For one event the whole world put aside their differences and worked together to reach a common goal. The runners spent countless hours training for this opportunity and with the help of their friends and families, made so many sacrifices to support and encourage their dreams of running in this prestigious events. All of that blood, sweat and tears to only be replaced by more blood,death, destruction and terror?
It's just not fair.
I started this blog to document my life. Obviously, if you've ever read it before, you notice that my children are the main theme here at Random Blog Drama. They are my greatest treasures in this world and beyond. They are my every heartbeat; my every breath, and just like any other parent in this world , I would give my life to better theirs. I would do anything for my children, including standing in front of a bomb, so they didn't have to.
But the part that disgusts me the most?
I just can't digest the fact that all of this happened as a result of a cowardly adult, who with a combination of sheer evil and anger chose to ruin people's lives and sought out to injure and possibly kill children. Innocent, beautiful children that didn't have a chance to pursue their dreams, or live a life of innocence and naivete. Those children will never be the same. Their hearts are now tainted with visions or evil and pain. They will never be able to go to school, or a sporting event or any crowded location without first experiencing fear before joy. They will never be able to experience life as it should be. Happy.
Their lives are forever ruined just because they went to cheer on their friends and families at a marathon. A marathon!
As a habitual Peter Pan myself, I knew that as much as I didn't want to, that I would have to grow up and leave the nursery one day. I knew that when I had children, that it would be my job to be their strength, to teach them how to love, to laugh and to dream without fear. But how do you teach those things when evil is doing everything in it's power to teach them otherwise? Why does it seem like our children are getting kicked out of the nursery too soon? Why can't our littles just be little? Why don't they get to be Peter Pan?
This morning, every news outlet and station is talking about how to avoid being the victim of a bomb. How to be aware of your surroundings, how to stand near concrete structures, how to be away from trash cans and shifty looking characters. How to keep your head on a swivel and assess every situation and how to create your own personal disaster plan. Why? Because this is our new normal, because the evil won't just stop, regardless of who our president is. Because all of this darkness, that preys on the innocent and torments the hearts of millions, is bigger than any of us can fathom. Because this darkness won't stop until it succeeds (even though I know in my heart that Christ will triumph in the end ).
It's all enough to make you just want to curl up into a ball and cry.
Being a parent these days is hard.
Encouraging your child to live without fear and to follow their dreams despite the risks is even harder.
So today, as the rain pours outside and in my heart. , I'll be hugging my boys a little tighter, praying a little louder, smooching them a little sloppier and making a conscious effort to enjoy them and laugh with them , even though it wasn't in my initial "plan" for today. I'm making a choice to be thankful and present, because you truly never know what could happen tomorrow, or even in a few hours. We are only guaranteed this moment, and I intend to make it the best it can be.
Today I'm choosing love, and I encourage you to do the same.