I literally debate deleting it about 4000 times a day, not because I dislike it or anything, but because I worry what others will think of me. Specifically those closest to me.
This blog knows my secrets. It's my BFF in the little corner nook of the internet full of lunacy and knowledge. It is my portal out of the constant stream of Mickey Mouse clubhouse and Thomas the trains. It's my little pip squeeky voice, in the bustling crowd of bloggers trying to make it big and yell louder than the others.
This blog is me. Spelling and grammatical errors and all.
But I'm human and I doubt every cotton picking decision I make.
This week I took a bit of a break. After an emotionally draining weekend spent reflecting on the sacrifices my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ made for me, I needed a break from thinking. and yet, I've done more thinking this weekend than ever before. Funny how that works.
I'm a mom, and a wife, a dance coach, a daughter, a friend, but who am I? And what is my purpose in this life? Is this it? Am I serving the Lord in the way that He wants me to, and not in my own selfish manner? Am I good enough?
Ugh I hate hate HATE those words, good enough. They fit into my despised vocabulary category along with the words fine, mediocre, and making it through.
I don't ever want to be just fine or mediocre. I don't want to spend my life just making it through. I don't want to spend my life trying to be good enough. I want to be great. I want to be confident in the Lord's plan for me, and I want to be confident in my actions, knowing that I am serving Him to the best of my abilities.
Being a blogger is a double edged sword. People think that they know you, because they read your innermost feelings, and in a way they do, but for those who think that they know you well, it becomes awkward and uncomfortable.
Sometimes I feel like my life is that tagline from MTV Diary. "You think you know, but you have no idea".
I love this blog. With all of my heart. I've been blogging my whole life, starting in my Lion King diary, then moving on to my Dear Diary, on to Geocites, then Xanga and so on. I've always documented my life, my triumphs and my trials, along with my awkwardly ridiculous situations. This is just the first time that it's been available to the eyes of the world and that thought is somewhat terrifying to me, especially since I've always been the girl who appears to not care about what others think of me, yet worries that I'm not good enough.
My whole life I've been sensitive. It's a family trait that I inherited from my dad. I'm sensitive to others feelings, and it bothers me when everyone around my isn't happy. My dad used to call himself a happiness curator, and since his passing, I've taken that role. I guess you could say that happiness is my drug of choice.
This last week I begged. I pleaded with the Lord to tell me what to do. Should I keep this blog or should I give up, regardless of other's opinions of my life choices? What do you want from me, Lord?
I still don't know his plan for me, but what I do know is that blog is my voice, and that I can be a mouthpiece for mommies everywhere. Even if this silly blog is seen by no one, I can use it to document my life, and help other mommies realize that we are better than just good enough, that we are great, regardless of the less than perfect parenting moments that we would all like to forget. In fact, those moments, the lack of perfection is reality despite what our society tells us. It's okay to celebrate the triumphs as well as laugh at our failures.
It's okay to be happy. It's okay to be Great.
So despite my constant battle with purpose and self worth, I will continue on this bogging journey of self discovery and the occasional splash of self loathing,to finish fighting this battle against just being good enough.
Because I believe with my whole heart that Jesus wants us to be freaking Great.
And with His love we can be.
|These three deserve great.|