Before I begin, let me just apologize for the massive amounts of spelling errors in my last post. When you work from home, you have to use the time you're given. Yesterday that time happened to be while I was sitting in the driveway with two kids sleeping (ready to awaken at any moment), sucking down Starbucks and typing away with my sausage fingers on a cell phone key pad clearly only made for hand models and Olsen twins. C'mon Iphone. Please don't add my vienna sausage fingers to the laundry list of my current body insecurities. I mean, I love vienna sausages. Don't ruin that for me. Just don't.
Oh those body insecurities. We all have them. No matter how we're put together.
And by the way, don't you just hate that word? Insecure. It's like the asshole cousin of uncomfortable. Always there, but prefers to show it's face at pool parties and social events, which in turn makes your body do even crazier things, like sweat through shirts and fart when you laugh. It's a vicious cycle that insecurity. Always waiting for the best opportunity to kick you in the bum.
I've had the opportunity to do the web show Last Call with Brittany hosted by Brittany Gibbons and it is literally the MOST fun I've had in a long time. It's basically a recorded girl talk session, that includes wine and vulger topics that make my mom laugh nervously (I just love how my mommy still pretends to be innocent. It's one of her most endearing qualities . It's been an awesome experience. But what you may not know, is that almost every single one of the panelists are activists, especially Brittany Herself (see what I did there?) when it comes to women embracing their bodies.
I received a message, from a lovely fan of the show thanking me for posting the picture on my blog about how my body changed so drastically during my first pregnancy. She told me that she thought that I was just the cute skinny girl and that it was great to see that transformation. That message rang deep in my core for some reason, not because she said she thought I was cute (I mean, who doesn't love hearing that?) but because she was so sweet, so kind and so loving.
But those words have been ringing in my ear all night. That skinny girl. Totally meant to be a compliment, and it is, but also kinda tough for me. Eeek gads. Deep breaths. Fight back the dry heaves Jess.
I knew that one day this post would come. This post has been hiding under all of my *NSYNC covers of Tiger Beat and trapped in my Xanga when said that I was feeling like a smiley face and listening to Summer Girls by LFO but secretly hating myself. This post didn't want to be written, because this post is dark, edgy and embarrassing This post would rather curl up and die than to be exposed.
But I'm nothing if honest, so here goes.
For a long, long time I've had trouble with food.
I know what you're thinking, oh poor poor skinny girl had an eating problem. must be so so tough.::: eye roll:::
But the truth is Yes. I had an eating disorder. And I still struggle with food.
Let me just say, I hate the word disorder. Seriously, let's take an already emotionally down person and slap on a stigma that basically means that they can't just open her damn mouth, eat, chew and swallow.
It's just so much more than that. My whole life I've been tiny. As a kid I was called a picky eater. Add to that, I was heavily involved in oober competitive ballet. I adored it. It was my dream to dance in New York and be a ballerina. But at the age of 12 (in total Center Stage fashion might I add) I was told that I would never have the body of a ballerina ( I was short and had a tush). I was crushed. Every time I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw, even though I was much smaller than the average human, all I could see was failure.
That began my issues with food.But don't get it twisted, I was happy. I wan't the textbook sulky Maureen esque (sorry another Center Stage reference) eating disorder sufferer. I laughed, and smiled and felt great.
Thinking back, that's what makes it so scary for me. How easy it was to just go for days, not eating or eating a teeny bit. This malnourished charade would continue until I got so hungry that I had no choice but to eat everything in sight, and the quickly purge out of guilt.
This went on for many, many years. Way too many. It wasn't textbook, and as involved as my parents were in my life I don't blame them for my affliction. I don't blame anyone but myself. You see, I was so so good at appearing to be healthy. This continued all through high school, but became worse as I became more involved and outgoing in the social scene of school. I had great friends, I was a cheerleader, on the dance team and had a good looking high school boyfriend (who didn't even know any of this). I was cute Little Jess and I had to stay that way. It was my persona after all. My MO if you will.
Let me just stop right there.
I could get into so many details, how I would go back and change things blah blah blah (and don't get me wrong I would totally change that), but I won't. Not today. Today I just want you to know that no one is perfect, that everyone has insecurities and gets nervous diarrhea before going on a web show. I went on knowing that even I'm not a sexy curvy girl and even though I may not have fought the exact same struggles, I too have hated my body and given in to the pressures of perfection because in so many ways we are all so different, but our hearts are all the same.
Drunk. (kidding ).
Seriously though, today I want you to know, that everyone has had struggles, and everyone is a work in progress trying their best to be the best version of themselves that they can possibly be. As a recovering people pleaser and eating disorder sufferer, I'm here to say that being yourself is the best person that you can be for YOURSELF. It took me two kids, 80 up and down pounds, and a husband that still loves my saggy boobs to learn that lesson.
So I'll take fat Jess, cute Jess, ugly Jess, wonky- eyed Jess, spare tire Jess as long as I'm the real Jess through and through.
Because THAT's a great person to be.
At least for me :)
^^^Just because you may not fit the "textbook" profile of an eating disorder sufferer, not eating for extended periods of time, vomiting anything on purpose, and not allowing your body the nutrients it needs to function properly is considered an Eating Disorder. Even if you are doing it just to "maintain" your current weight (and you aren't a wrestler). If you fit the bill for any of these symptoms, PLEASE PLEASE seek treatment by clicking here.
Thanks for watching me on Last Call with Brittany (if you missed it click here) and It makes my heart smile that you all take the time to visit measly ole' me. Come back soon, I'll try to beat my link record that I set today.