10.30.2012

Breathe it in

You know when you just need a breather. Like a second to breathe in the greatness of life and to exhale all of the gray matter that life throws your way? Sometimes we all need a breather, and we really don't realize it. Until we get a second to ourselves to just exist and to just be.

I had the opportunity to have that breather last weekend when I went on a mommy all by herself weekend getaway. No, it wasn't something great like the Cayman Islands or the Bahamas. In fact,  although I left my own kiddos (for the first time in history) I was surrounded by other people's kiddos. At an indoor waterpark full of screaming girls...yup that's right... I went to a dance convention.

It totally flashed me back to a time long ago, when I would go to dance conventions to learn the art of dance and to experience the total awesomeness of different chereographers. A time long before I was a wife and a mommy. A time where I took my opportunities to dance for granted and I didn't realize that those times would end one day. So of course, even though I was there with my dancers, I had the opportunity to just be Jess.

I love being a wife and a mommy, and don't get me wrong, I LOVE being needed. But how refreshing is it remember where you came from, and who you are before all of the titles. I know, what you're thinking, "How shallow to say that all you are is dance", but dance is seriously so much more than just movement to music. It's made me who I am today. It's something that I have done since the age of 3 and not only has it enstilled my love of art and music, but it gave me the self confidence to become the happy go lucky adult that I am today. There's nothing like getting lost in a song and feeling the same emotions that the singer intended. There's also nothing like creating a story with your thoughts and through motion, conveying that story to an audience. There's no greater feeling than losing all sense of time and forgetting the mundane details of life that continually pile on your plate.

It's great to take a moment to breathe in who you are. Because it makes you realize why you're here.

Now I'm the type of mom who rarely leaves the kids (except for my dance job). We rarely use babysitters, and we hardly ever go out without the kids, and we hardly ever have time alone. I HATED to leave them.  That's just us though, we give 150% to the kids and family and then in the 6 hours that is left we choose to sleep. Nuts...Yes, but I really wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm in no way advocating up and leaving your family to breathe, or to leave all sense of responsibility behind. I'm very thankful for the opportunity to have a Jess weekend, and I'm perfectly fine with the fact that it probably won't happen again. But I needed this trip, and I didn't even realize it. I didn't realize that my heart was so full of everyone else's concerns, that I didn't have room for my own feelings. For two days my heart (although missing my boys so much it hurt ) was mine. And boy did it feel weird. I laughed more, cried more and felt more than I had in years (with the exceptions of my wedding and childbirth of course). I felt whole again. My Jess puzzle was finally put back together, and this time I decided to glue the pieces.

I'm writing this a week and a half later, partially because being back with two boys is a 24/7 job and sitting without interruption  for more than 5 minutes is an extremely rare occurance, and partially because it has taken me this long to put my feelings into words.

I came home totally refreshed and rejuvenated, a completely new/old hybrid Jess ready for action and missing my boys terribly. I realized that on my journey back in time, that every step has lead me to where I am today, and even though I miss the old dancer Jess' life, I prefer this new routine that God has chereographed for me.

I'm just thankful that He chose me to be the principal dancer and the starring role in my Hubster, Theo and Elliot's life.

And I'm also thankful for the two days of rest, because less than 24 hours of being home Elliot somehow ate a magnet and we spent the entire day at the Dr's office (luckily everything came out fine...literally) and I was welcomed home in true crazy family style.

My life is crazy, but I wouldn't change a thing (except for the magnet eating...that won't happen again).

Welcome Back Jess, glad to see you breathing again.

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